In two days time I leave behind a small group of mates with whom I have been living and working for 10 weeks as I return home to the UK. Its an interesting space to be in, this transition phase; reflecting on the past, trying to anticipate what lies ahead, keen to learn the lessons – especially the painful ones and gather the treasures we found on the way.
When we started this 10 week process, we had a bunch of lofty outcomes we were gunning for. As I come to the end of my time, things look different to what we had thought, hoped or expected – I am not sure which. It has been hard sometimes not to feel oppressed by the expectations and guilty that things have turned out differently. In that state, I can feel anxious and inadequate, becoming driven and controlling in order to MAKE the outcomes happen! In those moments, apart from the obvious damage done to those around me and myself, it has been easy to miss the amazing things that have been achieved, that God has done amongst us in the time.
Sadly I have found myself in that place a couple of times in the last few weeks. During one of these times though, I was reading some verses and came across one that I thought had been misprinted. Instead of the familiar ‘I know… and am persuaded that God is able to guard what I have entrusted to him…’, it read, ‘ I know…. and am persuaded that God is able to guard what he has entrusted to me….’. A subtle difference, but it blew me away! The job that he has given and entrusted to me, is and has always been his to watch over, guard and nurture. Firstly the fact that he entrusted me with it is amazing, he obviously knows more about me than I know! And secondly that he already holds himself responsible for it, brings a strong sense of fellowship with him on the road.
I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a basic thing that he’s been wanting me to get for a while and that probably is obvious to many! Be that as it may, I am grateful to be in the process of ‘getting it’! I want to live as if I know God and am confident that he has entrusted me with precious tasks that he himself is fully invested in, he himself bringing life and protection to them for his purposes….and that as I walk with him, it doesn’t all depend on me.